Month: May 2017

Transformation 

Not a moment goes by 

Where I’m not wondering why; 

Why the job I chose? 

Why have I lost my goals? 

It begins as a whisper in my head, 

From my conscience I’m fed 

These lines of regret and sorrow 

For I’ll still not be any further tomorrow. 

But today I am trying again 

To not let those feelings begin, 

And focusing more on constructive thoughts; 

I’m trying to connect the mental dots. 

One of these days

I’ll see my way out of this haze 

And finally begin the life I’ve wanted, 

Leaving behind the me that’s haunted. 

I realize I can’t do any of this 

When I don’t use my wits 

And instead sit around 

Waiting for my problems to drown

Or otherwise suitably die out 

So I can see past my doubt. 

It’s the motivation you see; 

One thing I dislike about me. 

I have these phases 

Where I let myself get complacent

For no apparent reason 

And my motivation is freezing, 

Little by little it slows down 

Until my feet hit the ground

And then I’m stuck in a pattern

Where my will is shattered. 

I’m trying to overcome one of these now; 

I wish I could just disallow 

These moments in my life 

Where days don’t feel right 

And each dawn brings about

A new sadness and reason to pout. 

I’m tired of feeling pity

For myself when I’m constantly sitting. 

I need to get up and transform 

Back into the person who isn’t so torn. 

One of these days I’ll finally understand 

How to be the man 

I’ve always wanted to be; 

Maybe one day I’ll finally see.  

Restful

In a moment of respite

I sit here and ponder 

About many aspects of life

And let my mind wander. 

It’s moments like these 

Where I’m often depressed; 

I think too much about what I’m not 

And it causes repeated stress. 

Today I feel a reprieve 

From broken heart and mind; 

Today I’m trying to keep grounded

And I feel fine. 

It could be an earlier affirmation

That caused this brief interlude, 

Or maybe it’s just the weather

That’s improved my mood. 

Whatever caused it 

I’m grateful for the interruption; 

I can focus on better thoughts 

And forget about my mind’s corruption. 

I don’t have to think 

About what I haven’t accomplished 

Or all the things over the years 

For which I’ve wished. 

I don’t have to remember 

All my past failures, 

Or any of the times 

I was incredibly unsure. 

Instead I’ll think about the memories 

That bring a smile to my face; 

I’ll think about living life 

At a slower pace. 

Even as slow as my life is sometimes 

My mind continues to race on 

Long after the lights go out 

And the day is gone. 

I think about living life 

With more purpose, 

But also feeling more restful

Deep beneath the surface. 

For any human soul

Deserves a break 

From this confusion-addled life 

And whatever of it we make. 

So take a moment out of your day 

And reflect on what you appreciate; 

For you never know what’s in store 

In the next chapter of fate. 

Blank

Ever have those days 

Where your mind feels blank? 

When you try your best 

But still can’t think? 

Of course there’s always thoughts, 

Roaming around forever in my mind, 

But the ones I want to think

Must have escaped down my spine. 

So many issues to worry about, 

Yet can’t bring myself to care. 

So many words to say, 

But haven’t the drive to share. 

Today feels almost surreal, 

Like I’m not really here. 

I wish that were the case, 

But I’ve yet to mentally appear. 

As life goes on I see

I’m trying my best to compartmentalize 

The things that matter little, 

And trying to rationalize 

What I need to understand. 

See, there’s so much doubt and fear

Clogging up my mind 

It’s a wonder I don’t give up here. 

But I don’t want to admit defeat 

In any situation; 

I’d rather suffer through it

And fulfill my obligations. 

For I have responsibilities 

That I have to contend with every day; 

They challenge me 

And make me rethink my ways. 

But nothing seems to do the trick, 

And I sit languidly through life; 

If someone said I was lazy

They’d definitely be right. 

There’s so much to do 

I don’t know where to begin; 

A myriad of chores and tasks 

With no foreseeable end. 

What do you do when there’s so much, 

When it’s aggravatingly overwhelming? 

That’s why I have so little will 

And that’s definitely not helping. 

Oh well, life doesn’t play fair

And there’s no rest for the weary. 

I just wish it could be a little easier

And a lot less dreary. 

Past Choices

I’m frustrated with myself today, 

For taking a different route. 

I was meant to be something, 

But I took the easy way out. 

See, I figured this would be best, 

Helping take care of those I cherish, 

But I ignored my instincts

And let go of one giant wish. 

Now I don’t enjoy what I do 

And I sit here all day thinking

Why didn’t I dare to take the hard path 

And go after what I’ve been seeking? 

The answer is not what I want to hear, 

But I hear it nonetheless; 

After all it makes sense 

Because life is just one big test. 

I was a coward, and took the low road, 

When I should have aimed high. 

Now I’m all but miserable, 

And we’re barely getting by. 

But it’s not all about the money; 

After all it can’t buy you happiness. 

What I really wanted 

Is to try my best. 

To make a solid effort at this life 

And really push my limits, 

But instead I procrastinated 

Wasting days, hours, minutes. 

Ten years of my life flew by 

And before I know it 

I’m giving up another dream

Because of an emotional fit. 

Another five years go by, 

And I finally decide it’s time 

To pursue something worth doing

And up the ladder I slowly climb. 

When I reach a higher point 

I take a look around 

And realize after all this time 

I’m not very far from the ground. 

Devoted years of my life 

To this cursed place, 

And yet here I am, 

A frown upon my face. 

I should’ve known

Happiness is worth pursuing. 

Anything that leads to it

Is worth a shot at doing. 

Now I feel cornered 

And I can’t see very far; 

My view of life has crumbled 

Like a shooting star. 

I’m going to try and find a way out

Of this madness I’ve created; 

I’ll keep trying again and again 

Until my will’s abated. 

So please chase after your dreams 

Because you only live once. 

So put on your gloves 

And fight for it to the last punch. 

Carefree

I watch as the birds soar above me, 

While others hope from tree to tree. 

What a life it must be, 

To live so carefree. 

I wish I could say I live that, 

But in all honesty I never really have. 

I’ve constantly had some worry on my mind; 

Something to take up my time, 

And stand me down the rabbit hole

To discover what it means on my own. 

All I’ve ever wanted was happiness, 

Peace, tranquility; just less of a mess. 

But I feel trapped inside, 

My feelings away they hide. 

There’s no use to bringing them out 

When all they do is create doubt. 

Seems like I can’t do anything right, 

Like I have to fight 

Just to show what’s in my head; 

My dreams withered and emotions dead. 

Now I’m just this hollow shell

Put under monotony’s spell. 

No one is to blame but me; 

I should have learned to see

That life doesn’t go your way 

Unless you chase it every day

And never give up your dreams 

Even if they are beyond your means. 

For some things are worth saving 

Even if it means you’ll be paving 

A new path to your future bright; 

Try and try with all your might. 

It’s worth it in the end 

If you only know where to begin. 

What I Want

I’m not sure of what I want; 

This life so long and dreary. 

Maybe one day 

I’ll see it more clearly. 

For now I feel lost,

Missing a piece of my soul;

I’d love to know 

What would make me whole. 

I’ve searched for years, 

Through pain and loss, 

Sometimes completely oblivious 

To the price or cost. 

What have I found? 

I’ve found many questions 

And not many answers. 

It’s like trying to find 

The cure for cancer. 

Now I’ve realized 

I really have no dreams anymore; 

That epiphany is depressing, 

And leaves me feeling torn. 

It’s not easy to have dreams 

When you have to seek approval, 

And most of what you seek

Is met with reproval. 

Maybe I’m thinking unrealistically 

And need to keep my feet on the ground, 

But what fun is it 

When those feet are bound? 

Bound by appropriateness, 

Distinctions and restrictions;

This only serves

To cause more friction. 

Oh well, I’ve been there 

And back around again;  

I’ve come to realize 

There are no more dreams to defend. 

Not like I had many to start with, 

Since my limitation started, 

But I’m still human

And I don’t like discarding 

Every last bit of hope I had 

For a future of happiness and certainty. 

Instead I feel like 

I’m filled to the brim with impurities. 

I’ve already tried enough times 

To make sense of the ship I’m in, 

But I often have trouble talking 

And never know where to begin. 

 

A Blur of Time

Funny how even a smell can take you back, 

Remembering days come and gone.

Days when I had little responsibility, 

And I was whole and strong. 

I don’t have any regrets from those times; 

I’ve come to accept them as they were; 

I just miss the good times 

That passed by in a blur. 

Now things are normal 

And my life has slowed down. 

Don’t really know what to do with myself 

Or how to come around. 

See, I was used to living carefree

And only worrying about myself; 

Now That I have a family

I have to put my concerns on the shelf. 

I’m still not sure how to entertain

These other souls with me; 

See, I was always with someone 

Who made having fun easy. 

Now it’s my turn

To step up to the plate, 

But I feel like I’ve failed in some ways 

To improve their fate. 

I told myself when I was younger

That I wanted to be secure 

Before settling down 

And a family procured. 

But I went against my own advice

And here we are. 

I feel like a silly fool 

For not thinking ahead this far. 

But oh well, that time has passed

And now I’m wondering 

If I can get through this life 

Without all the blundering. 

I just want everyone to be happy, 

And to feel fulfilled; 

To knock some items off the list 

And my life rebuild. 

To end on a happy note, 

I’ll say one thing: 

To each and every one of you, 

Enjoy the little things. 

For big things come and go

But they never last. 

It’s the little things that mean the most 

And life moves far too fast. 

If you don’t take advantage off them, 

And they pass you by, 

You’ll live forever unfulfilled 

And always wonder why. 

At least that’s my own philosophy 

Because I realized 

That there is so much to appreciate

And time really flies.